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Month: June 2012

Dear Women: Us No Think… You Purdy… Too Good

Dear Women: Us No Think… You Purdy… Too Good

A male buddy of mine just send me a link to Cosmo’s 44 Most Ridiculous Sex Tips. I read the first few and I was overcome with two thoughts: “this is hilarious” followed by “holy crap, what if people are taking this seriously?

To help out the second category of you– which I pray I am imagining– here is my open letter to the females who have had to put up with us:

Dear women,
Having trouble understanding a man? Are you so confused that you have turned to a magazine for something other than its entertainment value? Let me help you, in my limited capacity.

Try the following: Consider the dumbest woman you know. Now imagine taking a pencil, sharpened to the finest point you can imagine. Cover it in acid, red ants, cosmic radiation, and violently shove it into said womans brain. Wiggle it a bit to make sure you get all those IQs!

Now, given the severe brain injury, consider all the simple things this woman could want or desire compared to before. No longer will she want “iced water, with a twist of lemon, in a tall glass” but just “water.” The hose will be more than fine. No longer is she looking at a map for the best way to get from point A to point B. Now she just starts walking in the general direction of point B. How does her hair look? She has no idea because it never occured to her before leaving the house and now has to go out of her way to find a mirror.

Now replace “she/her” with “he/his.”


(Try To) Love,

If you are still confused my advice to you is simple, female person: Learn to love boobs as much as I do or to happy while also very frustrated. If you are trying to think of a third possibility you are over thinking this, too.

Yes, yes, I know. These are Cosmo’s “Most Ridiculous Sex Tips“. Lighten up, tight ass.